


The Justice League List of Things That Aren't Allowed (second generation)

by DoctorV



Series: The Mullet-verse [10]
Category: Blue Beetle (Comics), Booster Gold (Comics), DCU, DCU - Comicverse, Justice League, Justice League International (Comic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bad Flirting, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Lists, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-04-19
Updated: 2006-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-21 07:47:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 5,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14280309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorV/pseuds/DoctorV
Summary: When Blue Beetle and Booster Gold retired, so was the list of things that aren't allowed in the Justice League. Then their protégés inspired a new list...





	1. The List

**Author's Note:**

> Archiving some old old OLD fanfic of mine. This was originally posted to LiveJournal 04/19/2006, with the author's note:  
> "This came about because of encouragement and comments from clayin and timemonkey.  
> During the course of the comments, I mentioned that the list of "Things Beetle And Booster Are Not Allowed To Do" was eventually retired in the Mullet-verse. There was a party, much alcohol, stories of how some things got on the list (though others were very carefully not spoken of, ever), recreations of a few of the list numbers, and a passing of the torch (whether literally or figuratively remains uncertain) to the next generation with much solemnity.  
> The next day, (Tim!)Batman was forced to start a new list, for reasons he remains pointedly vague on to this day.
> 
> So of course I was encouraged to share this list. (Of course.) And in doing so, I also came up with the idea to offer to write at least a hundred (100) words on any number requested. So I hereby make the offer, and now I present..."
> 
> The rest of the chapters are the stories that were written based on specific list entries.  
> Since this is next generation Mullet-verse cast, the part of Batman here is played by Tim Drake.  
> Added to Ao3 (but backdated): 05/09/2018

01\. If you don't know what it is/does, don't touch the goo.

[02](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14280309/chapters/33755772). Corrupting the minds of sidekicks is not going to make you very popular among the heroes they work with.

03\. Anything with "personal lubricant" written on it is not allowed in the Watchtower without express, written permission.  
03.a. Not written permission from Blue Beetle.  
03.b. Not written permission from Gold Star.  
03.c. No, they really don't have the authority to give permission, no matter how sincere they seem.

[04](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14280309/chapters/33757344). The transporters are tools, not toys. Please keep this in mind.  
04.a. The following items are no longer allowed in the transporters without express, written permission: bananas, whipped cream, marbles, alarm clocks, colored dye upwards of a gallon, kittens, minor demons disguised as kittens, "herbs," anything that Blue Beetle or Gold Star assure you is perfectly within the rules, YOUR MOTHER  
04.b. Blue Beetle and Gold Star are hereby banned from adding to the list.  
04.c. STICK IT IN YOUR POINTY EAR!

[05](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14280309/chapters/33758952). It is rude to compare how many times people have died.

06\. All betting on life and death is hearby restricted.  
06.a. All betting on life, death, and _other_ is hereby restricted.

07\. Batman is not the tasty filling in a Blue and Gold sandwich and it is not nice to say so.  
07.a. Seriously. Stop it.  
07.b. Batman knows where you live. Shut up.

08\. OMAX is watching you.  
08.a. Yes, even there.  
08.b. Yes it's creepy.  
08.c. Privacy is an outdated concept.

09\. Do not upset the OMAX. The OMAX has access to your credit rating, and the OMAX knows what you did last summer.  
09.a. It doesn't _matter_ if they promised not to tell, OMAX knows.  
09.b. Yes it's creepy.

[10](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14280309/chapters/33759015). Blue Beetle is not a pope.  
10.a. Correction: In the spirit of religious tolerance, Blue Beetle _is_ a pope, in accordance with page 00036 of the [Principia Discordia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discordianism#Popes) which names "every single man, woman, and child on this Earth" as a pope. Blue Beetle is not, however, _the_ Pope.  
10.b. Even if he has a big shiny pope hat.

11\. You are not caught in The Matrix.

[12](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14280309/chapters/33875793). We do not talk about the mysterious stain in the trophy room.  
12.a. Yes, we've tried to get rid of it.  
12.b. Repeatedly.  
12.c. It won't go away.  
12.d. Seriously, stop talking about it.

[13](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14280309/chapters/33876290). Playing on the superstitions of others is in poor taste.

[14](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14280309/chapters/33924839). The words "in accordance with the prophecy" make Batman's jaw twitch. Please try not to say them around him.

15\. It really is called the "Monitor Womb" and any commentary on the name is in poor taste.  
15.a. No matter how funny you think it is.  
15.b. Or how funny Blue Beetle and Gold Star think it is.  
15.c. Or Flash.  
15.d. No, not even if Batman's mouth twitches.

16\. Blue Beetle and Gold Star are not allowed to do anything that makes them snicker for longer than ten minutes thinking about it.  
16.a. Longer than _five_ minutes.

17\. Batman is a grim and broody creature of the night. He does not have a soft, gooshy center.

18\. Blue Beetle and Gold Star are not allowed to sing "Creature of the Night" around Batman.  
18.a. Or any other songs from _Rocky Horror Picture Show_.  
18.b. Or to dress in character.  
18.c. No matter how good Beetle looks in a corset.

[19](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14280309/chapters/33924885). There is no official and mandatory "Naked Time" in the League.  
19.a. Put your clothes back on, Beetle.  
19.b. Yes, including the top.  
19.c. It doesn't matter if it improves morale.  
19.d. Or if you have fifty dollars stuffed in your belt.  
19.e. Stop encouraging him, Gold Star.  
19.f. Beetle, quit shaking your groove thing.  
19.g. Pulsar, quit stuffing dollars in Beetle's belt for shaking his groove thing.  
19.h. You're all getting written up.

[20](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14280309/chapters/33924944). Gold Star did not put the bop in the bop-shu-bop-bop.

[21](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14280309/chapters/33924960). No bouncing coins or similar off Blue Beetle's buttocks.  
21.a. Even if it _does_ improve morale.

22\. Batman's cowl ears are not and have never been: toys, "marital aids," handholds, target practice, "cute as a button," or anything else except grim and pointy.

23\. It's just mean to order delivery at the Watchtower.  
23.a. IT'S NOT DELIVERY, IT'S DIGORNO!  
23.b. Shut up, Gold Star.

24\. OMAX resents the implication and thinks you should apologize.  
24.a. Yes, OMAX heard you.  
24.b. Yes, even there.  
24.c. Yes it's creepy.

25\. Personal space is a necessity, not a suggestion.  
25.a. Back off, Beetle.

[26](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14280309/chapters/33925029). Averting a crisis involving the Watchtower sewage system is only praise-worthy if you didn't cause it in the first place.

27\. It is hereby forbidden to make supervillains aware of the [Evil Overlord List](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EvilOverlordList).  
27.a. Yes, I know you're sorry, Beetle.  
27.b. It doesn't matter if it was just the one time.  
27.c. Or how stupid the goatee looked.

28\. [No one questions the masks.](http://calvinandhobbes.wikia.com/wiki/Calvinball)

29\. Having a goatee does not automatically make you evil.  
29.a. Unless it's a mind-controlling, hairy alien face leech.

[30](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14280309/chapters/33925080). Notice: Any sudden and extreme changes regarding hair will hereby require mandatory testing for sentience. Thank you.


	2. Impressionable Young Minds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #02. Corrupting the minds of sidekicks is not going to make you very popular among the heroes they work with.

"Good _afternoon_ , class!" the blond woman said, clapping her hands and smiling widely. "I'm Gold Star and with me is Blue Beetle, and together we have been charged with your education."

"The trusting fools," Blue Beetle said amiably, standing at her side by the podium.

"Not in front of the children, dear."

"Yes, darling."

"Now! Me and Blue here were chosen because of our _own_ experience as sidekicks. You might remember us from our exploits with Booster Gold and the _second_ Blue Beetle...? Anyone? ...Anyone?"

"Bueller?"

Gold Star turned her head to frown at Blue Beetle and he shrugged cheerfully at her. " _Anyway_ , that doesn't matter. What does matter, is that we know what it's like growing up as sidekicks. Keeping that in mind, we're here if you need someone to talk to."

Blue Beetle cleared his throat loudly and she glanced at him again. "Sidekicks," he muttered pointedly.

Eyebrows rising over her mirrored visor, Gold Star turned back to the assembled teenagers. "Right! As my esteemed colleague has just reminded me, there are some of you who take issue with being called 'sidekicks'." Leaning a forearm on the podium, Gold Star tilted her head down to look at them over her visor. "Tough. That's what you are. Doesn't matter what you want to call yourselves: partners, assistants, apprentices, _whatever_. As far as the public is concerned, you're sidekicks. Even if you don't work with an adult hero, you're short and that's what people see. Short and costumed is visual shorthand for sidekicks in the hearts and minds of the general public. Get over it and your life will be easier, trust me."

Standing up straight again, Gold Star grinned. At her side, Blue Beetle was beaming and bouncing on his feet. "Okay, now that that's done—"

"Ooh, can I tell it?" Blue Beetle interrupted excitedly. "I have _good_ feelings about our lesson plan."

Solemnly, Gold Star stepped back from the podium and motioned for him to step up. Dipping a quick curtsy, Blue Beetle took his place in front of the class and grinned out at the students.

"Today's lesson includes witty banter and appropriate times to be a smart-mouth. If we have time at the end, we'll also have a brief workshop on choosing a catchphrase that's right for _you_!"


	3. Not Even The Worst Of Blue's Accidental Bomb Scares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #04. The transporters are tools, not toys. Please keep this in mind...

It had been a very trying month. At least as far as Batman was concerned, though some people seemed to find it amusing.  
  
It had started innocently enough, with him walking in on Blue Beetle fiddling with the controls of one of the transporters. Clearing his throat pointedly, Batman had asked what the man was doing.  
  
While it was almost funny how fast Blue straightened and turned to face him, it also suggested that he wasn't  _supposed_  to be doing whatever he was doing. "Um...nnnothiiing?"  
  
"Try again."  
  
Blue sighed and was about to answer when the transporter suddenly activated. Inside were three bananas and three cans of whipped cream. When Batman glared at Blue instead of asking for an explanation, the man grinned sheepishly. "See...it's an experiment."  
  
"Experiment."  
  
"To switch the bananas and whipped cream," Blue said earnestly. "Or mix them. Whichever happens first."  
  
One of the other transporters activated then and Gold Star stepped out. "Did it work?" she asked, too focused on Blue to notice Batman.  
  
"Doesn't look like it," Blue replied. Which was, apparently, just the cue the bananas and whipped cream were waiting for to explode.  
  
His gloves had smelled like a banana split for days.  
  
Shaking his head at the memory, Batman got out The List and started adding to it. It was still new, and relatively short, but he had no doubt that it would become longer very soon.  
  
After that infamous experiment had come the marbles.  
  
Apparently Blue had thought it would be funny to transport up some marbles and then call in to say he'd lost them and could anyone who saw them please call back.  
  
It just so happened that it coincided with Flash transporting up in another transporter.  
  
(Actually, seeing the man slipping and sliding through the Watchtower at superspeed  _had_  been a little funny, but Batman wasn't about to say so. It was bad enough that Flash thought it was hilarious, Blue didn't need any more encouragement.)  
  
The alarm clock in a box  _had_ , actually, been an accident. It hadn't occurred to Blue, while he was sending up some supplies, to mention to anyone that he considered an alarm clock to be essential lab equipment.  
  
On the plus side, it had given everyone a chance to review the emergency procedures for bomb scares.  
  
And the gallon of dye...well, if anyone had been thinking, they would have pointed Blue and Gold right back to the transporter with it  _immediately_.  
  
Hairball McWhiskers wasn't,  _technically_ , Goldie's fault. But the brimstone smell when the kitten hacked up hairballs really  _should_  have tipped her off to its demonic nature.  
  
Luckily, it  _really_  liked the catnip mouse Goldie had brought for it and was easily subdued.  
  
But there was  _no_  excuse for Blue not recognizing one of Poison Ivy's plants, and Batman suspected the man hadn't been entirely truthful on the matter. He had seemed unusually eager to use the Watchtower lab to examine something he  _said_  was just a simple herb.  
  
Unfortunately, the transporter didn't seem to agree with the "herb" and...the less said about that incident the better.  
  
Then after Batman started keeping a close eye on everything Blue and Gold put in and took out of the transporters, the colorful pair started conning people into carrying things for them—

"Hey, what's that?" Blue asked suddenly, leaning over his shoulder.  
  
Batman tried to hide the hardcopy of the list, but the man snatched it before he could.  
  
"Hey! This is that list of thing we're not supposed to do. Here, Gold, check it out."  
  
"Ooh. Huh, I still don't get why you got your bat briefs in a twist about Robin. What's—Hey! This is  _new_. Did you see this stuff about the transporters, Blue?"  
  
"Lemme see.... Aw, c'mon, Bats, how many times do I have to apologize for the  _alarm clock_?"  
  
"And how was I supposed to know Hairball McWhiskers was a minor demon? Here, gimmie that." Goldie snatched the pen from Batman's hand and started scribbling on the list before he quickly snatched the hardcopy back. In capital letters, Goldie had scrawled "YOUR MOTHER" in the list of things not allowed in the transporters without permission.  
  
Scowling, Batman grabbed his pen back and wrote another addendum to the rule.  
  
" _Banned?_ " Goldie demanded, leaning heavily on his shoulder. "You can't _ban_ us from adding to the list! Can he ban us, Blue?"  
  
"Bats move in mysterious ways," Blue said, expression bewildered.  
  
Leaning forward until she was almost hanging over Batman's shoulder by her waist, Goldie snatched the pen again and scribbled another addendum. Ducking away from her so she was momentarily off balance, Batman grabbed pen and hardcopy and went to enter them into the computer copy of the list.  
  
When Goldie's revisions to his list appeared on the computer copy, despite his many attempts to remove them, Batman suspected OMAX had been talked into helping.


	4. Near Death Totally Counts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #05. It is rude to compare how many times people have died.

"You know, I think we should just completely disqualify the speedsters."  
  
"But that's not  _fair_."  
  
"Well they should've thought of that before they got so hard to keep track of!"  
  
Blue Beetle and Gold Star had started a discussion of some sort. That alone was enough to strike fear into many a heart.  
  
Stifling a sigh, Batman entered the recreation area to see what it was speedsters were potentially being disqualified from.  
  
"Let's table that," Gold suggested, head pillowed on Blue's lap while he absently petted her hair. "Okay, comas, near death, and presumed dead but unconfirmed."  
  
"Yes, no, depends."  
  
Gold snorted and reached up to poke his shoulder. "You just want comas counted because of your dad."  
  
Affecting a look of deepest insult, Blue splayed a hand over his chest. "Would _I_ do that?"  
  
"And you  _count cards_ , too."  
  
Blue stuck his tongue out at her.  
  
"Anyway, I'll only count comas if near death counts."  
  
Shaking his head in amusement, Blue wrote something on a crumpled piece of paper. "Fine. Comas and near death count. Want to work out the specifics for presumed-but-unconfirmed?"  
  
Batman cleared his throat loudly. The pair glanced up at him, then grinned in unison. " _What_  are you doing?"  
  
Waving the crumpled paper, Blue said, "Justice League drinking game."  
  
"...Drinking game?" Batman asked, dreading the answer.  
  
"For how many times people've died," Gold chirped.  
  
Batman stared at them for a moment, taking in their cheerful expressions. There were days he questioned their sanity, and why they were even in the League in the first place. Then he remembered that despite all appearances they presented, they really  _were_  good at what they did. "...It's rude to compare how many times people have died," he said finally.  
  
Wrinkling her nose, Gold stuck her tongue out at him. "You're just jealous 'cause Batman's on the low end of the totem pole."  
  
Batman stared at her for a moment longer, disbelieving, then turned around and walked out of the room without another word.


	5. He Can Perform Marriages Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #10. Blue Beetle is not a pope...

"You were supposed to stay in position!" Batman snapped, trying to shake orange goo off his cape.  
  
"Well...it all worked out in the end," Blue Beetle said cheerfully, wiping goo off his goggles.  
  
"Only due to sheer dumb luck!"  
  
"Hey, a win is a win."  
  
Batman's mouth thinned to an angry line. "You call  _this_  a win?" he growled, gesturing to the mounds of violently orange goo surrounding them. It smelled vaguely of citrus shampoo, onion, and armpit.   
  
Mouth twisting in thought, Blue surveyed the sticky, smelly scene. Raising an index finger, he said matter-of-factly, "I invoke infallibility."  
  
" _What?_ " Batman asked in disbelief.  
  
"Infallibility," Blue repeated. "I invoke it. So this isn't my fault."  
  
"You can't invoke infallibility!"  
  
"Can too," Blue argued, crossing his arms over his chest. "It's a pope power."  
  
Batman threw his hands up. "You're not the Pope! You're not even Catholic!"  
  
Not answering, Blue fiddled with his belt for a moment, then pulled out a card and held it out for Batman to see. The Dark Knight stared at the card, disbelief growing, then looked at Blue and said, "You're an authorized pope of  _Discordia_?"  
  
"Yep," Blue agreed, grinning as he turned the card over. On the other side was a list of "pope powers," with the right to "invoke infallibility at any time, including retroactively" at the very top.  
  
"You're  _kidding_."  
  
"Nope."  
  
"...You carry your pope card in your  _belt_?"  
  
Blue shrugged and put the card away. "You'd be surprised how often it comes up."  
  
Crossing his arms over his chest, Batman frowned. "Fine, but you're not  _the_  Pope."  
  
"Even if I have a big shiny pope hat?"  
  
"No, not even then."  
  
"Nuts."


	6. The Stain (it gets capitalized outside of titles too)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #12: We do not talk about the mysterious stain in the trophy room...

"Aaand  _this_  is the trophy room!" Blue Beetle said, waving an arm to indicate the entire room. "Take a moment to take it all in, look at some of the great moments in superhero history. See over there? That's the armor my dad built for my other dad to keep him alive until...whatever it was that fixed him."  
  
"What fixed him?"  
  
"Dunno, they don't talk about it," Blue said musingly.  
  
He had lost at Rock, Paper, Scissors (and he was  _still_  convinced Goldie had cheated) and so had the job of giving Newbie the grand tour of the Watchtower.  
  
The kid's name wasn't  _actually_  Newbie, but Blue had forgotten what it was and just started calling him by generic nicknames. By the end of the tour, Newbie was going to think they were best friends. Blue felt a little bad about that, but not enough to stop and ask his name.  
  
"Hey, what's that?" Newbie asked, pointing to The Stain on the wall.  
  
Placing a hand on Newbie's shoulder and holding up an index finger, Blue said quietly, "We do not  _talk_  about the mysterious stain in the trophy room."  
  
"Well why's it still there? Haven't you tried to get rid of it?"  
  
"Yes, we've tried to get rid of it."  
  
"Did you use—?"  
  
"Repeatedly."  
  
"Are you sure—?"  
  
"It won't go away."  
  
Newbie opened his mouth to speak again, but Blue made a "nnng!" sound and waved a hand emphatically. "Seriously, stop talking about it." Glancing around, he leaned in, arm around Newbie's shoulders, and whispered conspiratorially, " _Especially_  around  _Tempest_."  
  
When Newbie gave him a questioning, wide-eyed look, Blue just tapped the side of his nose and straightened. Beaming widely again, he said, "C'mon, I'll show you the Monitor Womb next."  
  
With that, he led the tittering hero-in-training on the rest of the tour.


	7. Within Acceptable Weight Parameters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #13: Playing on the superstitions of others is in poor taste.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel I should explain an ongoing thing between Junior/Blue and Goldie, because they just do it and I don't think it's ever explained narratively (putting the reader on level footing with about 90% of the people around them on any given day). The Pet Name Game. This is a thing they do. They start calling each other by pet names and just keep going until one of them can't think of any they haven't used in that round. That person is the loser and the last one to use a pet name is the winner.  
> In this, they're playing a themed variation.

"Spanky!"  
  
Several heads throughout the Watchtower cafeteria looked up at her cheerful shout and Goldie mentally made a note of which ones as she hurried over to the table where Blue was happily taking a spoon to a can of cold corn. Waving the object in her hand, she plopped down next to him, grinning. "D'you know what  _day_  it is?"  
  
"I'm afraid I don't, my delicate golden nipple clamp," Blue replied.  
  
"Why it's  _Friday the thirteenth_ , handcuff honey!" Goldie gushed loudly, flopping a calendar down on the table in front of him.  
  
"Superstitious stuff and nonsense, sex kitten o' nine tails," Blue scoffed.  
  
"Aw, whipping boy, don't ruin my fun," Goldie pouted.  
  
"You know I never would, D-ring darling, but it's--YAH!"  
  
Whatever it was, Blue didn't get around to saying, because at that moment his chair collapsed under him. Dazedly, he lay on the floor and stared up at the ceiling, then glanced over at the broken chair with a look of betrayal. "I'm  _within_  my acceptable weight parameters," he told it indignantly.  
  
"Friday the thir- _teenth_ , corset cutie," Goldie sing-songed, voice carrying. All around the cafeteria, people were looking nervous.  
  
Pointing up at her from his prone position, Blue insisted, "Stuff and  _nonsense_ , my St. Andrew's Cross to bear!"  
  
His can of cold corn chose then to tip over the side of the table to land on him.  
  
"You were saying, ball gag baby?" Goldie asked smugly.  
  
"...I have to go change, shackle sweetheart."  
  
"I'll come with, blindfold babe," Goldie chirped, hopping up and giving him a hand up.  
  
Leaving the mess behind, they exited the cafeteria and headed down the hall. Once they were far enough away, they both burst out laughing, leaning on each other to stay upright.  
  
"Think they bought it?" Blue asked.  
  
"It was a masterful performance if I do say so myself," Goldie replied. "You got those system glitches timed to go off randomly all day?"  
  
"Yep! You got stuff rigged? Great work with the chair, by the way."  
  
"All set, and thanks." Goldie rubbed her hands together, grinning widely. "This is gonna be  _good_."  
  
Linking arms, they continued down the halls at a leisurely stroll.  
  
"Y'know, I really like the bondage version."  
  
Goldie leaned her head against Blue's and snickered. "Delicate golden  _nipple clamp_?"  
  
"You be my nipple clamp and I'll be your spanky."  
  
"Deal."


	8. Juniorstown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #14: The words "in accordance with the prophecy" make Batman's jaw twitch. Please try not to say them around him.

It was like a bad movie. Any minute now, Batman almost expected the natives to strip Gold Star down and try to sacrifice her to the angry volcano gods.  
  
Only he knew that they wouldn't, because Blue Beetle had declared her his...Batman wasn't even sure  _what_  Blue had called her. The blue-clad hero had been mumbling and possibly not even speaking English, but the general idea seemed to be that Gold was something like a revered consort, secretary, assistant, sister, and all around important lady to Blue Beetle.  
  
And in any case, there  _were_  no angry volcano gods in this remote corner of the world. Or at least no volcanoes.  
  
No, instead there were bugs. Lots and lots of  _bugs_. And the people who worshiped them.  
  
Imperiously, one of the men whose job title was something like Elder Priest shouted, "In accordance with the prophecy!"  
  
Batman gritted his teeth and mentally cursed whatever twist of fate had led to the stylized beetle on Blue Beetle's chest being exactly the same as that on the carved images of these people's greatest folk hero.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is a vague _Firefly_ reference. Because way back when I first posted it, someone commented with the quote "We gotta go to the crappy town where _I'm_ a hero!"


	9. Improving Morale One Lapdance At A Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #19: There is no official and mandatory "Naked Time" in the League...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title: "Newbie Continues To Remain Nameless"

It came to his attention through Newbie. Batman cringed mentally at calling him that, but Blue's nickname for the new hero had somehow overlaid his real name in Batman's memory.  
  
Storming into the recreation area without first assessing the room (a clear indication of his agitated state), Batman demanded, "What's this I hear about an official and mandatory  _'Naked Time'_?"  
  
Then his mouth abruptly snapped shut as he got his first good look at the room. On the sofa, Gold Star and Pulsar were in various states of undress, though not yet indecently so. That wasn't the most notable part of the scene, though.  
  
The most notable part was Blue Beetle, who was in the middle of the room. Dancing to something with a sultry beat. ...And gradually removing his costume.  
  
Gold Star and Pulsar were hooting, catcalling, and generally cheering him on, waving dollar bills. Every now and then, Blue would dance closer to them and they would insert the bills between his belt and his waist.  
  
"Put your clothes back on, Blue!" Batman commanded. He did not  _yelp_. Or squeak. And dared anyone to say otherwise.  
  
Grinning, Blue looked up at him, not even pausing his dance. And, in fact, swaying and gyrating closer to him. "Even the top?" he asked cheerfully, raising his arms over his head and arching his back to fully display his bare chest.  
  
"Yes, including the top," Batman said evenly, brain fizzing slightly at the sight.  
  
"Party pooper!" Gold called. "Naked Blue improves morale!"  
  
"I'll second that!" Pulsar added, raising a hand.  
  
Batman was above banging his head against the nearest solid object. Especially considering the nearest solid object was a mostly naked Blue Beetle. "It doesn't  _matter_  if it improves morale."  
  
"But I've already made fifty bucks!" Blue protested, shaking his hips to shift his belt, which did appear to have an impressive amount of green sprouting from it.  
  
" _Or_  if you have fifty dollars stuffed in your belt," Batman continued firmly. There was  _professionalism_  to think of.  
  
"Don't be a grump," Gold admonished, then shouted at Blue, "Shake yer groove thing, baby!"  
  
Laughing, Blue obligingly did so...with his arms loosely draped over Batman's shoulders.  
  
"Stop encouraging him, Gold Star," Batman managed, swallowing at the look of amused seduction Blue was giving him. "Blue, quit shaking your groove thing."  
  
Pulsar got up and darted over to slide another dollar in Blue's belt and give the man's bare shoulder an affectionate peck, before tossing a wink at Batman and returning to the sofa. "Loving the show, Blue."  
  
"Pulsar, quit stuffing dollars in Blue's belt for shaking his groove thing!" Batman protested as Blue turned to press his back against Batman's chest, wiggling distractingly. "You're all getting written up."  
  
With a chuckle, Blue poked Batman's cheek with his nose and pressed a chaste kiss to the Dark Knight's jaw. "It was worth it," he said serenely.  
  
Batman just didn't know what to say to that.


	10. But She Sure Can Cut One Heck Of A Rug

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #20: Gold Star did not put the bop in the bop-shu-bop-bop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title: "I'm Sorry I Never Named You, Newbie"

"No really! It's  _true_!" Newbie insisted.  
  
Batman  _really_  needed to look up the young hero's real name, this was just getting embarrassing.  
  
"I assure you it's not."  
  
"No see, she explained it to me. What happened was, Gold Star got sent back in time to about 1960. While she was there, she met and befriended Barry Mann and Gerry Goffin, who apparently wrote it, and they dedicated it to  _her_! See?  _Amazing_ , isn't it?"  
  
"Very," Batman agreed. "Considering the person attributed to it is referred to as a  _man_  in the song."  
  
"Yeah, she blamed that on the still fledgling feminist movement, corporate pressure, and a secret love affair between Mann and Goffin."  
  
Batman closed his eyes behind his cowl and grimaced. "She was  _joking_. Pulling your leg. I  _assure you_...Gold Star did not put the bop in the bop-shu-bop-bop."


	11. Blue's Ass Just Improves Morale In General

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #21: No bouncing coins or similar off Blue Beetle's buttocks...

Leaning his forearms against a balcony railing, Blue Beetle stared out with a thoughtful expression. Then he suddenly clapped a hand over his butt and jerked upright.  
  
Blue's head darted from side to side for a moment, confusion plain on his face, then he shrugged and leaned forward against the railing again. Seconds later, he straightened again, both hands cupping his bottom.  
  
This time he glanced up at the sky and held a hand out.  
  
"Is there a reason you're groping yourself?"  
  
Blue whirled around to face Batman, then blurted, "Is it hailing?"  
  
Batman stared at him. "No," he finally said.  
  
Mouth twisting in confusion, Blue gave a frustrated huff and turned back to the railing. "Something keeps hitting my butt," he said. "I thought maybe it was hail."  
  
When he felt it again, he glanced over his shoulder to ask Batman if it was him, but the Dark Knight had disappeared. With a sigh, Blue returned to his previous position.  
  
Meanwhile, on the next level up, Gold Star and Pulsar tried to smother their snickers as they prepared to throw more coins at Blue Beetle. They were stopped when a low, gravelly voice suddenly growled, "What are you two doing?"  
  
Goldie and Pulsar jumped in surprise and reluctantly turned to face a glaring Batman.  
  
"...Bouncing coins off Blue's ass," Pulsar answered.  
  
Batman frowned at them. "Well stop it."  
  
"But it improves morale!" Goldie protested.  
  
Batman's frown deepened as he  _loomed_  at them.  
  
"C'mon, it's a perfect target!" Goldie insisted, pointing down at Blue. "Just look at it. So  _firm_  and  _round_  and...." She leered and made squeezing motions with both hands while Pulsar nodded in agreement.  
  
"I don't care," Batman said firmly. "Knock it off or you're both getting written up."  
  
Grumbling, Goldie and Pulsar reluctantly collected their remaining coins and walked past the Dark Knight. He was about to follow them, when a glint of silver on the ground caught his eye.  
  
Bending to pick it up, Batman saw that Goldie and Pulsar had missed a nickel. Then with a smirk and a flick of the wrist, he let the coin fly.  
  
Below, Blue yelped in surprise.


	12. Explosive Decompression Is To Be Avoided

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #26: Averting a crisis involving the Watchtower sewage system is only praise-worthy if you didn't cause it in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title: "No Big Deal, Just Hanging Upside-Down Doing Plumbing"

Hanging by his knees from a pipe, Blue Beetle was heartily thankful for his goggles, which allowed him to see well enough to make the necessary adjustments despite the stream of water spraying him in the face.  
  
He was also heartily thankful that the pipe spraying him was connected to the Watchtower's supply of drinking water rather than the toilets.  
  
With a grunt and a twist of the pipe-wrench in hand, the water finally stopped spraying and Blue heaved a sigh of relief. Outside his suit he was covered in water, inside the suit he was covered in sweat. All around him, water of varying temperatures flowed steadily, while steam rose nearby.  
  
Letting himself just hang upside-down for a moment, Blue finally leaned up and grabbed the pipe with his hands and flipped off it, landing on his feet with a splash.  
  
When he emerged from the room, drenched but triumphant, a cheer rose from the assembled heroes waiting outside. "Crisis averted," Blue announced, grinning.  
  
Then the crowd parted to let Batman stalk forward. He loomed over Blue until the man had to lean back a little. "And what have we learned from this?"  
  
"Um...." Blue fidgeted for a moment, then mumbled, "I shouldn't imitate things I see in movies, especially cherry bombs in the toilet, especially not in the Watchtower, and  _especially_  not in an environment that's capable of decompressing with a well-placed explosion."  
  
Batman loomed some more, then grunted in agreement and turned away, leaving Blue to lean against the door and wonder if he should have offered the man a tictac.


	13. A Cute Evil Dictatorship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #30: Notice: Any sudden and extreme changes regarding hair will hereby require mandatory testing for sentience. Thank you.

"Hey, Tim, what do you think?"  
  
Bart watch in bemusement as Batman took one look at him, then dropped into a fighting stance, one hand poised over his belt. "Uh...?"  
  
"What... _is_  that?"  
  
Blinking at him, Bart reached up to stroke his new goatee. "Don't like it?"  
  
"It's a bit... _sudden_."  
  
Bart looked down at himself, clad in the Flash costume, and spread his hands pointedly. "Sudden? From me?"  
  
Snorting, Batman straightened, though he was still clearly ready for a fight any minute. "Noted," he said. "But it has to be tested."  
  
" _Tested_?"  
  
"You remember that fiasco when  _Blue Beetle_  showed up with facial hair suddenly?"  
  
Bart laughed, finally understanding. "Well yeah, but he made such a  _cute_  evil dictator. I almost wanted to go up and pinch his cheek." At Batman's suspicious look, he tapped the side of his face with a finger and smiled innocently. "Top set, honest."  
  
When Batman nodded, Bart added, "I wouldn't  _dare_  horn in on your bread."  
  
"The Blue and Gold sandwich is a myth!" Batman snapped.  
  
Bart nodded rapidly, zipping over to pat Batman's shoulder consolingly. "Well, you know how many myths we've  _met_...."  
  
Shrugging him off, Batman glowered at him. "Your hair still needs to be tested for sentience."  
  
Heaving a sigh, Bart rolled his eyes and sped away for a second, then quickly returned freshly shaved. "I didn't like it anyway, it itched."  
  
Batman finally relaxed.  
  
...As much as Batman ever did.


End file.
